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In-cluding and In-joying Your In-laws
By Tiffany Kavanaugh LCSW
The following excerpts are not based on real life, they are real life: Brenda once received a box of empty Hamburger Helper for Christmas from her mother-in-law. Laughable, yes, but not seemingly intended as a joke - more like a jab. Dara finds it hard to humor the intrusive ritual of her husband’s talking to his mother on the phone every day, which he’s done for the last ten years. Can you say “too close for comfort?” My own in-laws came over unannounced one Sunday afternoon, only to leave sheepishly when my husband answered the door shirtless. Comical perhaps, but not once has this incident ever been mentioned. When you get married, you acquire so much more than just a husband. You also obtain a second set of parents, values, traditions, expectations, assumptions, customs and even religious practices. Unlike returning the duplicate set of tea towels or guest room pillow cases for something different, you can’t “return” your in-laws – they are here to stay. Having a relationship with your in-laws is part of real married life - nonrefundable, but hopefully not nonnegotiable.
Negotiating your new role as a daughter-in-law can rank anywhere from joyful to painful - anywhere in between. Family dynamics can be a challenge, especially because today’s families are so diverse. There are divorces, deaths and remarriages all within a multi-cultural society. Personalities also occasionally clash. Even though you and your soon-to-be spouse have found enough common ground to forge ahead with marriage, that fact alone doesn’t guarantee that relating to one another’s families will be simple. Many questions will need to be answered, such as: How will you divide your time at Christmas? Whose church will you attend at Easter? Whose house will you visit to celebrate Mother’s and Father’s Day? Does everyone get along or even celebrate the same holidays?
Traditionally, couples have been advised to “leave and cleave,” which basically means that you and your spouse are to separate from your families of origin and form a new family. In this day and age, it doesn’t seem sufficient to leave it at that. In the eve of your wedding, it is hard to believe that you have time to focus on anything besides the wedding details. But once you conceive that there is life after the wedding, you may want to dedicate some time and energy to other important things, such as your new role as a daughter-in-law! Your life will soon be weaved into someone else’s family life - one that existed an average of twenty-five years before you came along. Wait! Before you heave this article into the “later” pile, read further to help you learn about the nouveau way to do what was traditionally and simply known as “leaving and cleaving.” These ideas can be chronological or progressive; you can pick and choose where to start, or just apply the one(s) that best suit you.
LEAVE
While this is still pertinent advice, it just cannot be sufficient on its own. Leaving involves so much more than physically moving out. In fact, relocating your possessions is not nearly as vital as separating yourself from your family financially, spiritually, and emotionally. WHAT?! I know it can be daunting to think about not depending on your family’s financial resources. There may even be times when families offer financial support. Be careful of accepting help or donations if they come with “strings attached.” It is better to leave the security and generosity behind than it is to accept money that comes with expectations. These “expectations” or “strings” can cause turbulence for you and your spouse as you journey into intimacy as husband and wife. Think of this as an airplane departure: it is time for both of you to soar, rise above your past, and ascend into your future. You don’t want anything to hold you back from the closeness you and your spouse deserve.
CLEAVE
I love this word picture: Close your eyes and imagine two pieces of toast stuck together with peanut butter. When two things (or people) cling to each other, they stick together. They are fastened, fused, and bonded, but they don’t lose their individuality; they can still exist separately - they just choose to operate as one. Marriage is all about choosing to cling to your partner, not to your own parents. In order to honor your new relationship as husband and wife, you must form a new team. Say good-bye to daddy’s little girl or mama’s boy.
WEAVE
This is where, after you have established your new relationship, you realize the sense of community which is imperative to marriages. Belonging to something bigger than yourselves is healthy for your marriage. It may mean belonging to a church, professional organization, athletic team, etc., or it may simply mean connecting with your extended family. When you belong to something you participate. So, even if that family reunion in Boondocks-Ville doesn’t sound important, know that it is of value for you and your spouse to operate outside of your own needs once in awhile.
BELIEVE
Trust that your in-laws are well-intentioned. Even if they clean your house, insist they bring the food, or advise you how to spend your money, how to save your money and where to live (implying that your house is not clean enough, you’re a horrible cook, and you don’t know how to manage money - let alone make major decisions), try to remember that they are parents (this concept will be easier to identify with after you have your own children). Nothing you can do will stop them from thinking of themselves as parents. Try to remember they have good intentions and they can have ideas worth considering. Remember they have lived through this season of “newly married,” and they most likely don’t think you are completely inept at housekeeping, cooking, taking care of your finances and making decisions. Attitude is everything, so try to have a good one!
EVE
On the eve of your wedding, prepare yourself for the possibility that following your wedding, your relationship with your in-laws may change on several levels. After the wedding, your interactions with your in-laws will undoubtedly increase, especially over time. There will be many more family obligations, such as reunions, funerals, distant cousins’ weddings, not to mention double the holiday parties. Your in-laws may have more expectations of you after you actually tie the knot. During your wedding eve, mooching at the family potlucks may have been permissible, but post-wedding, you will probably need to put some of those wedding gifts (like crock pots and cake pans) to good use! It will be helpful to understand your role, understand that expectations change, and demonstrate a willingness to learn the ropes of how things are done on his side of the family.
HEAVE
Think “action!” Think “effort!” Think “try hard!” For some, it may be hard to ever like your in-laws. You may feel like giving the relationship the old “heave-ho.” Don’t. For most, you owe your in-laws at least a little credit for bringing such a worthy mate into this world, right? If you have to, start there, and continue identifying the positive aspects about your in-laws. Make a CHOICE to love them and accept them on some level. Maybe you can try some of the advice they give you, try a family recipe, or try spending time with them. Remember, you always have your husband as a common interest. Make a move to include them in something you and your spouse are doing, and before you know it, you will be enjoying them without much effort.
CONCEIVE
Although this word takes most newly-wedded minds into the bedroom, think more broadly than that. Try to conceive that your relationship will be fulfilling and rewarding. Imagine love, peace and joy as being part of an extended family that will enrich your life. Picture a future of family celebrations where a stranger won’t recognize where family lines were once drawn. Sometimes you must remember how important your parents are to you, and you must extend to your fiancé and his family the same right to maintain closeness. When you envision and eventually establish a comfortable relationship with your in-laws, you may understand that this relationship is just as meant-to-be as you and your spouse…almost.
Real life, real relationships and reality in general are right around the corner. Soon the wedding will be over, the details of the wedding will be resolved, and you and your fiancé will be husband and wife. But that’s not all. After consideration of these seven concepts, and determination to see them through, I can also say with confidence, “I now pronounce you somebody’s wiser daughter-in-law!”
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