|
 |
|
Lies at the Altar by Dr. Robin Smith
By Tiffany Kavanaugh, LCSW
Calling all brides and married women alike! Buy this book! After you read it, share it with your mothers, sisters, friends and daughters. Why all the enthusiasm? Well, you definitely have to read the book - not just the title - to find out why. If I were to have judged the book by only its title, I wouldn’t have liked it at all. As a married woman, I was insulted (and maybe a little defensive) by the title and its implication that words spoken at the altar are false. BUT, the title also intrigued the therapist in me. Could Dr. Robin (yes, the one who is on Oprah™ every other day) be revealing a potential explanation to the greater-than-50% divorce rate, not to mention the percentage of people unhappily married? Could a discussion about lying at the altar lead to better truth-telling at the altar?
From the beginning of reading this book, I had two different perspectives: that of therapist and that of married woman. If premarital counseling has been suggested or required, maybe the therapist point of view is for you. If you need a heart-to-heart, woman-to-woman point of view, or you have a strong dislike for psychobabble, skip to the married woman’s opinion.
A Therapist’s Perspective…
Dr. Robin basically suggests that couples today need to take charge of their vows. She thinks that people deliver their vows just as they do their wedding invitations, as if it’s all a part of some checklist to get you through that thing called your wedding day. She challenges her readers to put less into the wedding and more into the marriage. She admits to not being a friend to the wedding industry because of the fact that she is pro-reality, not pro-fantasy, which she accuses our culture of promoting today.
The basic premise of the book is revealed on the back cover of “Top Ten Lies” and “Top Ten Truths.” In a nutshell, she promotes that the bride and groom be whole, assertive, genuine, aware, free, sensitive, non-suffering, social, committed and authentic. It’s quite different from viewing a bride and groom as Cinderella and Price Charming. The former gives you a picture of two healthy individuals who know enough about one another to even use these descriptions. You get the idea that if you could describe your partner using these terms, the relationship must have some depth, some passion, and some staying power! The latter gives you a picture of the fantasy that many couples try to achieve on their wedding day. Describing Cinderella and her Prince Charming is much more superficial (i.e. tall, dark, rich and handsome), and we don’t learn in any fairy tale how many anniversaries these couples have or what happens after they ride off into the sunset.
The most useful thing Dr. Robin teaches in the book is a 3-step communication style. These three steps include mirroring, validation and empathy. These are recommended as tools to use when you feel like you are locking horns, beating a dead horse or hitting your head against a brick wall - feelings that are inevitable at some point in your marriage.
Throughout the book Dr. Robin encourages being a “grown-up” who “shows up.” She says that in order to be a grown-up, your childhood wounds and desires have to be dealt with, and you have to understand there are BIG differences between childish love and mature love. Mature love, she says, satisfies the soul and makes for great relationships. Childish love, as she describes, makes for power struggles, tantrums, and unhealthy dependency. It is much easier to “show up” in a marriage if your relationship leaves you feeling fulfilled and not defeated.
The good news about Lies at the Altar is that there is hope. Unlike what I first thought, Dr. Robin appears to be pro-marriage. She instills hope that marriages can be great. Her book is full of communication tools and relationship exercises that could strengthen marriages and help individuals become more truthful with themselves and with their spouses. Her challenge for couples is to know yourself, your partner, and then live out the words you speak at the altar after the wedding is over.
A Married Woman’s Perspective…
I was convicted throughout the book, not of a crime, but that my own behaviors and attitudes towards my marriage are not always the best. Although feeling convicted could have led to feelings of guilt, it didn’t in my case. It led to being inspired, which is why I would recommend this book to nearly every bride. It inspired me to be a better communicator, a healthier individual and a more desirable partner. In some ways, it brought back ideas that I won’t call fantasy (because Dr. Robin would totally disapprove), but rather a better reality, where my husband and I meet in the middle more often, stand a little closer, kiss a little longer and ultimately find joy in one another. All of these can create just as much intimacy, if not more, as wedding nights, honeymoons, and well, you get the picture.
The pages are filled with examples of couples who have problems. You will “meet” Al & Erin, Ron & Mary, Larry & Sonja, and many more. These couples sometimes have problems that are difficult to relate to, but the basic themes boil down to issues that many experience, such as fear, disappointment, insecurity, conflict, and miscommunication.
I couldn’t help but wonder what my impression of myself would be if my thoughts, words and/or deeds showed up in print. Sometimes I say loving, honest and supportive things to my husband Doug. And sometimes my first line of communication is the cold shoulder, the fish eye or the silent treatment. I realized that when I am at my best in our marriage, I am a grown-up, as defined by Dr. Robin. But sometimes, when I am not at my best, I don’t show up as a grown-up at all. I can be intolerant, insensitive and immature. That’s where Dr. Robin’s wisdom can be really useful. My flaws can be recognized, exposed and perhaps changed. However, it will probably be tough to part with the fish eye; it’s been in the family for generations.
My only criticism of Dr. Robin’s book is that she fills the book with exercises and questions that she suggests couples do together. Just one of the exercises alone involves answering 267 questions. I have a hard time seeing the average engaged couple completing these before they marry. Some of the exercises, although they create healthy dialogue, may not be necessary for engaged couples to discuss because, as I can say from experience, marriage changes your perspective on various issues. The subjects range from finances, division of labor, roles of extended family, etc., and some of your “answers” may only come by actually being married for awhile. I guess that is why the book lends itself to being a good buy for not just you, but for your married mothers, sisters, friends and daughters.
Whether you run right out to the nearest bookstore or decide it’s too early in life to be buying self-help books, it is still useful to consider the title of the book, which is what originally caught my attention: Lies at the Altar. This may help you think about your wedding in a way that places the focus not exclusively on how the day looks, but also on what it represents!
|
|
